The Anxiety of Influence

After looking through the website http://www.afterwalkerevans.com/ one portion of the website that really stood out to me was the one act, (or interview) that was between Sherrie Levine and Jeanne Siegel titled : "Anxiety of Influence" The dialogue was composed of a series of questions about Sherrie Levine's photographs entitled"After Walker Evans" in which she reproduced his works. Towards the end of this one act, there was a particular exchange that captured my attention:

"JS: I think we could apply to your work in general what John Caldwell of The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art noted about the Melt Down paintings. "In creating such paintings, Levine pays homage to these artists while at the same time asserting that their work is available for use by other artists in whatever manner they choose."

SL: I do see my work as a head-on confrontation with the anxiety of influence."

The fear of never creating a truly "original" art piece and always being influenced by someone else is something I and I feel many other artists constantly struggle with. I often am inspired by other artists when I start working on a piece and feel dirty at times for it. This is because I feel like I am unable to make anything on my own and am therefore not an artist. I constantly question my creative abilities and sometimes question whether there is an original thought in my head. As unsettling as it is to think about, it is important to do so because it forces you to look at your art; why you created it and what parts are you in it and what parts are someone else you were inspired by.

Making Something For Me

I wanted to make something with substance, something that spoke to people, something that was powerful and moving...I wanted to express my feelings about gender differences and limitations, about race, class divides, and intimate relationships and the list goes on and on...
When I started to try and hone in on just one thing I couldn't, it was all too broad and I felt woefully ignorant of it all. I have not lived a life with enough struggle to feel worthy of even trying to make some bold statement about these things in my series. But there is one thing I am certain of: I am a girl, and a woman, and someday perhaps I will be a wife and a mother and being female is something I can understand and explore.

For my series, I chose to focus on an area teaming with female dominance, my sorority and my sisters. At first, I felt myself questioning my choice of subject, because I was worried about what others would think, and whether they would take it seriously. Then I realized something, I was not creating this work for others, I was creating it for myself.

I have been wrestling with the purpose of pledging and the effects it has on individuals, especially myself and others within my sorority. Was it really beneficial? Why was it done? Why could some make it through with only shedding a few tears, while others were puddles on the floor? Did my sisters share all of my basic emotions when they went through it? Or were our reactions all different? Why do young women put themselves through such emotional pain and frustration? Why did I? Did going through pledging make me a weaker or a stronger person?

During my shoots I asked each of the girls to focus on their memories and emotions from pledging. I did several shoots with my 35mm SLR, and the pictures I chose spoke to me because I saw in them that fear , frustration, pain, anger and intense scrutiny that I felt and that others had felt as well. I still have not answered all of these questions, but this series offers a look at my emotional analysis of these women and what effects pledging has had on myself and others.

Alone In a Dark Place

I went a little crazy with the printing this weekend. I spent a total of 14 hours in the darkroom...most of which was on a Saturday with no one there (just me and all the chemicals).Well to some, this may seem like a rather pathetic way to spend a Saturday...doing homework.But,I know that if you have ever fallen in love with the process of printing the way that I have, you know how easy it is to lose track of time in there. Every time I see the image appear in the developer, I have this moment that I can only describe as childish glee. It is like watching fireworks explode and it is simply...magical.

I realized that in the darkroom I can be alone and not speak to a soul for hours and be entirely comfortable with that. More importantly, I feel comfortable, in fact I love being alone with myself and my thoughts (something that does not often happen).

I have brought several people to the darkroom who have never been in one before, there response is usually: "Wow this is cool, but creepy" and I guess it is, but I love it. I love the softly, glowing, orange light. I love the smell of the appallingly, strong and poisonous chemicals, and the sound of the constantly running water. It is my favorite place to be on this campus and when I haven't been in it for awhile, I get an urge to go visit it. It is, as I discovered, my place in the dark where I can truly love myself...Have you found your dark place?

4 Rolls of Fun With A Soundtrack

Today was my first day of shooting for this project! I think it went pretty well. I had three girls who were my models; Christine, Ginny and Lauren.I did individual rolls of each girl and one roll of group shots. The shoot took place from 7pm to 11pm in our sorority house. The house is quite a character itself,having many cracked walls with the bare bones of wood exposed, an odd little nook with three windows and a dungeon for a basement. We are pretty sure the house is full of ghosts, no one likes to be alone in it for very long, that is for sure.

As I was shooting I had "Slow Motion" by Third Eye Blind http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ibfvjv4uxE stuck in my head, and the mood of that song transferred to my own and the shoot itself. I realized today how important it is to have music while I am shooting, and that it also helps the models to relax. The music creates a kind of rhythm for my shooting, and the models seemed to respond to the moods of the songs and change their body language and expressions depending on the song. When the models did this, it was such a wonderful thing to watch because you could see their expressions change based on what it was making them feel and think about. I chose songs that were either fairly mellow or upbeat for this shoot, but I wonder what effects more energizing or angry music might have. I shall experiment in the future! It might seem obvious but, I never realized how much music could impact my shooting. Now that I do,I will try to work with it in the background as much as possible.

Peace,

Jillian